How Much To Let Go Of Your Masculinity In This Era ?

As a man, I am particularly concerned about the shift in our socio-economic paradigm which necessitates a discussion of the well-being of men; and family issues of relevance to men.

The shift has brought about a change of perspectives and expectations of both genders’ roles in any form of relationship. The resultant situation calls for greater tolerance and understanding of both genders involved in any form of relationship, be it husband/wife’s, brother/sister’s, father/mother’s, and male/female colleague’s relationship.

Many men and, where relevant, their families have suffered as a result. The societal changes have come too swift and demanding for some who could not adapt and adjust in time to their new circumstances. Men, who held on to their traditional values and beliefs, were disorientated by the progressive erosion of the values system and disregard for compliance with traditional family responsibilities which they were so accustomed to.

Globalisation and the seemingly borderless/timeless working environment have further aggravated the already fragile family and social cohesiveness. Many families fail to function and fulfil their traditional roles and responsibilities as evidenced by the exponential increase in divorce cases.

Are you beset with the problem of deciding on how much to let go of your masculinity or masculine role ?

Are you fearful of the changing roles of men and women in some circumstances ?

What more do you see in the changing landscape ?

How are we to prepare the younger and future generations in grasping and coping with the changes ?

During this transitional era, it is timely for us to relook at some of the issues, and make an impact to the society which we want to be proud of living in our twilight years !

Who Has The Universal Concept Of Love ?

Born into a fairly conservative Chinese family, it has always been a problem grappling with the concept of Love as the west and western-oriented writers/influential personalities would go at great length to enlighten us on.

The word, Love, as we casually and commonly used it in our daily lives; has been obscured or adulterated beyond recognition - either commercially, romantically, lyrically, etceteras.

In my traditional Chinese family, we seldom, if any talked about Love; let alone reflected on each and every cause and effect from the perspective of genuine love as painstakingly defined by some writers.

My father succumbed to cancer when I was barely a year-old. My lecturer was right when he remarked during his Q & A session; that, if the inevitable had to happen, it would be better for the person to lose the parent before he could realise the Love from his parent.

In my case, I never will fully appreciate what is fatherly Love. Mother had to work to support my brother and I. My uncles had volunteered to see us through our growing up, but mother felt that we had to pull through together and independently.

Indirectly, my mother had fostered in me the need to be independent at a tender age. My brother and I were left very much on our own during the daytime when my mother had to work in the factory.

I was forced by circumstance to remain strong and independent, and not by genuine love……..There was no grandparents’ Love as they were either residing in China or had already passed on. What was mother’s Love like then ?

Well, I remember more occasions of beating; especially when examinations’ results were out, then when there was showering of Love. There were instances when I cursed at her for severely beating me up when I felt strongly that I was wrongly and mistakenly dealt with.

But, those were moments of great injustice as I felt it then. I never held it to mind. My mother was overly concerned that I might go astray if I was not severely dealt with for any apparent misbehaviour.

That was the harsh environment that I had during my growing up years. My mother firmly believed that sparing the rod, and you spoiled the child. Writers might argue that this is an Asian instance of genuine love.

Stretched to its limits, one may also argue that using the rod is a means to an end - my mother loved me so much that she had to endure the pain at heart when she inflicted the physical pain on me to ensure that I take the right path in my life. Is it a case of genuine love to see me grow up to be a good son ?

Whichever it is, it would be interesting to understand what crossed my mother’s mind when she lifted the rod and brought it down on me. Was it genuine love or an act of responsibility from a mother to see her child behaved responsibly and obediently as Confucius’ Teachings would have it. How am I to know ?

My mother had passed on in 2003. Academically, it would be great intellectual stimulation to reconcile the different approaches. But, I would rather let it rest, because I trust that my mother had my well-being at heart even though she might not be thinking along the same line as some westerners.

A western writer was right in concluding that there were probably other dimensions of Love that had yet to be uncovered as there were some who had grown up to be loving beings even though they were deprived of genuine love in their growing up years.

On reflection, I was able to transcend the negativism to become a stronger and loving character. My childhood’s loneliness transformed me into a caring and highly independent personality.

Often, I was surprised with my own spontaneity and readiness to help others in despair and in grief. I thrived on new and unfamiliar scenarios, and would be bored by routines and unchallenging ventures. What I found wanting during my growing up years, I ensured that others did not suffer likewise - be it justice, welfare, or well-being.

At times, so fervent was the drive within me that it was detrimental to my own career development and survival in the commercial wilderness.

I have no regrets for the setbacks. I am committed to the well-being and progress of those around me, be it at work or otherwise. It is not a situation of realising through others what I was deprived of.

Rather, it has to do with the fostering and inculcating of the right virtues and values within my immediate and extended families. These are virtues and values that have been widely personified by popular characters and heroes in the Chinese classics and legendary anecdotes.

For instance, my mother made much self-sacrifice for my sake; and I reciprocated by incessantly making efforts to bring her the joys and glories to vindicate her selfless determination to see me through during my growing up years.

Some might argue that this is guilt. Maybe and maybe not! As of now, my conscience is clear; and it must be that great virtue of filial piety that I uphold.

These well-entrenched virtues and values are not without their negative impact either. The risk of confronting elders and those in authority did not come easy for me. How was I to reconcile with the need to respect all elders?

To circumvent this odd-ward situation, I had to be mindful of the choice of words used in conveying my messages, instructions, and/or recommendations. It worked well for me.

Love was in the air as we celebrated yet another Valentine’s Day on 14 February 2007. Love messages and intriguing write-ups abound in the local media.

While I detest the senseless exorbitant prices and commercial extravaganza associated with the occasion, I am all in favour of some romance in one’s Love life.

Romantic Love may not be genuine love, but genuine love for a couple in Love need not necessarily be devoid of romance. I am all in favour of spicing up one’s Love life.

I am into the fourth year of my marriage, and my only regret is my inability to find more time to smell the roses with my wife. We have no children, but I strongly believe that my childhood’s experience would not preclude me from giving my Love as a loving father would to his children.

Devoid of my father’s Love need not necessarily mean that I could not give Love to my children. It may not be identical to the experience that I gained from my father, but I could always find ways to Love my children in my own way.

Love as I experienced it in my own unique ways and circumstances, is certainly more intricate and intriguing than some westerners’ mystery of Love.

Besides the misconceptions identified by some western writers, there is the complication brought about by a shift in paradigm over cultural boundaries.

Whether or not it was genuine love that saw me through my growing-up years, and my disposition of it in my grown-up years is immaterial. Why quarrel over nomenclature ? After all, I have entered a new life; and am nurturing an intimate relationship with my Lord.

I have a new role-model in Jesus Christ to look up to for guidance, grace and blessings in abundance.

In witnessing for Him, I must be naturally loving to all others; and be perceived as such by all others. It is God’s Love that prevails above all others.


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Is It Fate, Faith or Forward Planning That Governs One's Future ?

Blank! That is how I remember my childhood years. Initially, I was of the view that Erickson’s theory could be more applicable to present days of upbringing children.

How I wish my parents could sing and talk to me while I was still a foetus in the comfort zone of my mother’s womb as young parents of nowadays are convinced or led to believe that such efforts could bring wonders to their babies.

It was my other wishful thinking that if, and ONLY IF my father did not succumb to cancer when I was only 1 year of age, my life would probably be more colourful and successful.

Another, if my mother need not have to work, and could spend more time with me during my nurturing years; I would probably have developed more positive characteristics in my later years.

My parents have passed on, and so are many of my relatives who had the opportunities to witness my growing-up years. There is no way that I could clarify and have a better insight into my early childhood when my mental capacity was probably still hibernating.
How many of us could really remember our early years of 1 to 2 years old ? There was no video, digital or otherwise, for backtracking on possible incidence of “Close eyes contact between mother and son” or “Inter-manifestation of mistrust” back then.

According to Erickson, I must have those positive experiences during my infancy. To these days, my trust in a total stranger is forthright. It has always been my basic principle that everybody be given the benefit of doubt unless further encounter and feedback proved otherwise.

Growing up in a single-parent environment has never been easy. My brother and I had ample autonomy when mother worked in the day. We were left very much on our own even though my uncles, aunts and cousins were all living with us under one ancestral roof.

There were ample opportunities to build up our will-power to attend to our challenges, and overcome our boredom and shortcomings as mother’s meagre income could not afford us a comfortable lifestyle. Notwithstanding, mother was strict and regimental in her parental approach.

I developed an early interest in reading - all sorts, but mother was concerned that I might develop a reading habit, and neglect my school works in due course. Little did she realise that her early forbiddance would cause me great agony and shame in coping with the English Language when I entered school.

Whenever I shared my dreams of better days ahead with my mother, she was never encouraging. She was condescending and destructive in her own pessimistic and conservative ways, and I was left wondering whether or not I had the right thinking.

I tend to agree with Erickson that somewhere along the continuum of development, I must have developed the capacity for action despite the constraints and set-backs.

Mother never bought me any toy, not even on my birthday. I remember taking a fancy at somebody’s four-wheel plaything ( a jeep with peddlers ), and went on to build my own “jeep” with a wooden crate as the body, a discarded wheel as the steering wheel and my vocal as the revving engine.

When I managed to save enough money to buy the plaything, I discovered that I had already outgrown the size of the plaything (I could not get into the driver’s seat !)

I was allowed too little success during my primary education (up to lower secondary to be exact). Mother disallowed me from reading and doing anything beyond the school curriculum. Teachers were not encouraging either.

Some were rather damaging - out to make fun of us as idiots for the slightest mistakes or lack of imagination. I was partly to be blamed. I was industrious, but I did not know what studying was all about.

I read all my school books, but I did not realise the need to memorise adequately for my examinations. Naturally, I was an average pupil in class until primary four when I failed miserably.

I was devastated on seeing my report card recorded mostly in red ink. Mother was terribly upset. After giving me a horrific thrashing, she arranged with a tutor in the neighbourhood to guide me through. I had my first awakening after a few lessons.

I realised that reading and writing alone were not enough - I need to seek out and memorise the examinable stuff well enough to score during examinations. I assured my mother that she could discontinue the tuition arrangements, and I went on to become one of the top pupils in my school from then onwards.

Overnight, I became a teacher’s favourite. I was competent in all subjects - arts and sciences. I was roped in to help out on sports day and other errands; and was once appointed as a school prefect. But, I was never elated with all the attention on me in school. I probably suffered too much and too late ( or too early ? ) that I continued to be humble to these days. I never like the limelight, and I am never comfortable with any accolade.

As an adolescent, I was never confused or lost about my identity or role in my family, to my relatives and society at large. My uncles, cousins, state leaders and legendary heroes were models for my character formation. My rite of passage through the compulsory two-and-half years of national service in the Singapore Armed Forces reinforced my attributes for my adulthood.

I took an interest in the opposite sex as early as when I was undergoing my national service. Perhaps, my loneliness during my childhood days had a bearing on this yearning for some sustainable and intimate relationship of my own choosing.

My mother was against my forming a serious relationship before my tertiary education, but I was adamant about it. I was of the opinion that a desired and fruitful relationship could actually lend momentum to my other pursuits in life.

It is precisely my constant fear of stagnation that drives me to plan ahead, and make the necessary changes to remain useful and active even during the last stages of my life span.

It was also at this stage that I went through the most important rite of passage in life - my baptism. Life takes on a new direction, and along with it all the hopes and vigour of a new relationship.

With God’s grace, it would be great to be able to live till a ripe old age. We need not have to look back with regrets for lost time and opportunities if we had a clear conscience throughout the bygone stages of living life to the fullest.

It is not too difficult to realise what options there are for us if we have taken the time and opportunities to witness those who have God’s grace to live till a ripe old age, and eventually leave for the Lord’s kingdom ahead of us.

Erickson is absolutely right in cautioning us that There is little that cannot be remedied later, there is much that can be prevented from happening at all.

Let us start cracking now before it is too late, lest we crack up under the misery of lost time and opportunities.

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